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// top five

// top five – alternative xmas movies

// It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Normally the build up to Christmas fills me with fear and loathing. My mum is like a junkie at a ‘Free Crack Day’ when it comes to putting up the tree and adopts a behaviour pattern about as Sri-Lankan as Dick Van Dyke in Marry Poppins. I’m not a fan of the advertising that starts in mid to late October. It’s usually someone like Asda that is first out of the gate. However, something has changed in me this year.

As I wandered around Coles in my shorts and flip-flops (thongs? – wtf?) and contemplated what my flat mate would like more; crinkle cut fries or potato wedges, I was over come with a strange sensation. On the PA system the warbling of Gene Autry banging out ‘Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer‘ could be heard for all to hear. My left foot began to tap and before I knew it, I was involved in a one man ho-down in the frozen food isle. Suffice to say it was clear to me that I missed some part of the “Christmas Cheer” (a term I use very loosely in London) in England, which got me to thinking… This year I will be having an alternative Christmas, so with that in mind here are some films that have all the Christmas cheer, but without all the trimmings. Enjoy.

1. Die Hard

If you’re going to have an alternative Christmas, do it in John Mcclane style. Prevent Snape, sorry, Alan “I’ll get you [insert protagonist]” Rickman and some rag tag German types from taking over an LA office building and ultimately ruining Christmas. You swines! Amongst the swearing, dodgy accents and ass kicking, there’s also a message. Don’t get between JM and his kids on Christmas or he’ll drop you from the 75th floor. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers.

2. The Nightmare Before Christmas

It feels like a bit of a cliché putting this in to my “alternative Christmas list” – Bore off – It’s a classic and gave me many sleepless nights. It makes the list for its animated and musical brilliance. It’s super dark and the definition of macabre. Oddly, my Dad thought it would be a good idea to take me to see it at the ripe old age of 9. I turned out ok… Well… ok enough. If you are familiar with Henry Selick then you’ll know that this amazing movie belonged to him and not Tim Burton as was splashed all over the posters. Once you’ve finished up with this, pop in Coraline which is nothing short of fantastmical. If you’re anything like me and struggling to get into the Christmas groove, simply slap The Nightmare Before Christmas on and sing along with Jack Skellington and company. You’ll thank me in the long run.

3. Bad Santa

I like to think that if Santa did exist – What’s that? You still think he exists? Grow up – he would be exactly how Billy Bob Thornton portrays him in this movie. It’s really not that hard to understand why either. Let’s face it, if you worked for a non-profit organisation and had one night to deliver everything you and work force of elves made in the calendar year, you’d be pretty pissed off. Swearing and drinking would be the least of you issues. Plus I also heard that Mrs Clause it a terrible lover and the jolly red jerk only ejaculates once a year… I digress. Despite being painful to watch at times, there is a brilliant plot thread with ‘The Kid’ (Brett Kelly) which brings the movie together at the end. Just remember that shit happens when you party naked.

4. Batman Returns

With all the fuss and hype over the Nolan trilogy, it’s sometimes sad to think that people have almost forgotten about what Tim Burton gave us in 1992. I was obsessed with the original when it came out and I’m quietly confident Kim Basinger gave me my first awkward movie erection. The follow-up, decked in the festivities of Christmas, sees Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfeiffer (hello awkward movie induced erection number two) run the train on Gotham’s bottom, with only Michael Keaton’s chiseled face and abs to save the day. It’s far darker than the first and has some of the classic Burton stylistic elements such as the biker dudes who look like something from The Melancholy Tale of Oyster Boy. All in all, this really is a top movie for all your alternative needs.

5. Jurassic Park

Oh Jesus Christ! Watch it at Christmas, Easter, Ramadan, whenever, it’s the perfect movie for all seasons and occasions. It doesn’t matter that Christmas isn’t mentioned once. I distinctly remember getting it as a Christmas present on VHS and commandeering the VCR for the entire day as I watched it 3 times in a row. Good enough to make the list I reckon.

Happy Christmas Kiddies.


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About Rob Orme

Brown is the new Black.


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