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// movies, // top five

// top five – awkward movie erections

// The five most awkward boner-tastic movie moments.

After I posted the trailer for Bad Teacher and the copy attached crashed wildly into a shopping center full of my childhood memories, it got me thinking. I’m not the only person to have suffered at the hands of an impromptu rush of blood to the lower loins. Here for your consideration are five of the best silver screen trouser tent pitches.

1. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Always best to start with one of those golden moments in cinema. Having rejected the rest of the news team’s advances, Veronica Corningstone succumbs to the charms of Channel 4 anchorman, Ron Burgundy. It is during the confirmation of their “meeting” that Ron’s libido takes over. Of course, Ron would tell you different. It was the faulty pleats.

Awkward Erection Quotation
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, uh, it’s the pleats… the pleats in the pants. It’s an optical illusion. I was just about to take them back… to the pants store. Oh this is embarrassing.

Awkward Boner Rating: 5/5 – Seen by the whole office. Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

2. Road Trip (2000)

The video for Groove Armada’s ‘I see you baby‘ is pretty spicy. It’s no wonder Barry’s Grandfather ends up nurturing a trouser demon. Upon arrival to the Manilow household the four boys, on a road trip from New York to Austin Texas, are greeted by Grandpa Manilow’s destructive rager, which sends a statue on a coffee table crashing to the floor. The boys are then reluctant to hold his hand as they get given a guided tour of the house. Understandable really.

Awkward Erection Quotation
[Grandpa Manilow knocks a porcelain statue off the coffee table with his erection]
Grandma Manilow: Oh Honey! Your Boner!
Grandpa Manilow: What do you want me to do? Cut it off?

Awkward Boner Rating: 3/5 – Seen by Grandma Manilow, four strangers and a dog.

3. Raging Bull (1980)

Just when you thought it was going to be only comedies that filled up the top five… i go and drop this little ferret in your trouser draw. Not to say that Raging Bull doesn’t have its comedic moments, I just wouldn’t categorise it as a straight out-and-out laugh a minute, slap you knee comedy. Cast you mind back for a moment. Back to the time when the Greeks were pretty much inventing and creating everything cool. During this time sportsmen (you know the dangerously chiseled ones) held superstitions that the male body was made temporarily weaker by ejaculation, so athletes would refrain from “doing the deed” during competitions. In Raging Bull La Motta (Robert De Niro) abstains from sex as well, but his saucy teen-age girl-chick-thing, Vickie (Cathy Moriarty), almost manages to unleash the tiger from the cage. Raging Bull is in the top five because during one such encounter, La Motta leaves the bedroom for the bathroom and pours ice water over his gentleman area to suppress his urge to play hide the vanilla slice.

Awkward Erection Quotation
Jake L Motta: I can’t do it. I can’t fool around. This Robinson, I gotta beat him again. I can’t fool around. Don’t come near me.

Awkward Boner Rating: 1/5 – not seen by anyone but Jake. Good save.

4. Youth in Revolt (2009)

I can distinctly remember sitting in a screening house in Soho in 2009 watching this movie and loving every second of it. What’s more it’s also made the awkward erection list. Having met the woman of his dreams, Sheeni Saunders (Portia Doubleday), Nick Twist (Michael Cera) sets out to capture her heart. He spends every waking moment with her, going on walks and trips to the beach (enter awkward erection), but it soon becomes apparent she only likes bad asses. To win her over, Nick creates an alter ego called Francois Dillinger. He’s everything Nick isn’t; smooth, cool and dangerous. What could go wrong? If you haven’t seen this movie yet, make it a priority.

Awkward Erection Quotation
Sheeni Saunders: Would you mind applying this to my exposed areas?
Nick Twisp: Sure [sits on her butt and rubs lotion on her back]
Sheeni Saunders: Hm, you get turned on easily. [Nick sits up] Don’t stop, Nick. It’s only natural. Girls are fortunate in that it doesn’t show. For all the world knows, my vagina could be moist with desire as we speak.
Nick Twisp: Is it?

Awkward Boner Rating: 3/5 – Felt by one, but potentially seen by an entire beach load of people.

5. Entourage – Season 2 – “Blue Balls Lagoon” (2004)

There were a couple of other films that I was going to slip in here (do not excuse the pun), but I decided this particular episode of Entourage was worthy of inclusion. After what is supposed to be a sensitive scene between a brother and sister, Johnny “Drama” Chase gets a little too excited around his female partner Brooke Shields.

Awkward Erection Quotation
[Brooke Shields leaves the set informing the director], HE.IS .HARD.

Awkward Boner Rating: 3/5 – Seen by most of the cast and crew, plus Johnny is kicked off the shoot. Drama!

Fin.

——————————————————————————————————————————————–

So there it is. It’s now out there on the internet and there’s little you can do about it. The post I mean, not a rogue erection. I shall now return to posting things a little less weird.

Thoughts/feelings/emotions?

Thanks for reading! Did I miss any?

SexyRob

**I dedicate this post to my man-wife Tommy, whom I miss and wish would move to Australia.**

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About Rob Orme

Brown is the new Black.

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